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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

So Far Beyond

I realized today how when I was a child there didn't seem to be any separation between my mom and I. She was my mother, that was who she was, all she was. What was hers was mine, and you couldn't tell where she ended and I began. No separation.

I also realized today how important it is for me to assert that I am not that kind of mother to my daughter. I cannot envision myself that way - mute, seemless.

My thoughts often turn to this, how different I am as a mom from how my mom was to me, weighing out the pluses and minuses of our personalities, sacrifices, styles. Adding or subtracting points for shows of courageousness, stupidity, selflessness.

Selfless acts can be a merit or a detriment, depending on the motive and the outcome, so they're what throw my thoughts into a tizzy.

As I was chaining our two bikes together with one lock it peeved me that she didn't bring her own, that I had to rig my line of safety to accommodate her. I realized how important it is for me to draw that line.

I think I'm a bad mom for being pissed that I have to share my bike lock. And I'm a cool mom for riding with my daughter so close to sun-down. And for ice cream. And for letting her ride my bike because she said hers was getting too small.

My mom would never have done that, so I think I won that one. I can't think of my mom as a person, just as my mom. She cooked dinners and complained about wet towels down the laundry chute. My full-Japanese mom, a homebody, functionally illiterate, culturally whack.

She had my dad come into the voting booth with her, to help her read the ballot. How could they even allow that?

Garrett read me a health advisory from a free fishing publication. According to the State of Wisconsin,  women beyond their childbearing years can eat unrestricted quantities of some types of mercury-laden fish.

I had a tubal ligation years ago. It failed once but there's been no more misfires since. More recently I had an endometrial ablation, and it seems to have worked, which means with I'll probably not have any more periods, so far so good. Therefore, you could say that I am beyond my childbearing years.

But I don't like fish. My mom is 73 and from a small fishing village in northern Japan. She'll eat whatever we catch. She's hardy. And expendable.

Let her eat what we won't and suck the poison down with the bones.

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