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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Really. A Gem. Lovely.

I was standing in my parent's living room, naked from the waist down. I think my brother was sitting on the couch watching, but I'm not sure about that, the background was all pretty much a blur. I think my mom and dad and brother were all there actually, but they just kept running past me, stopping to stare but so blurred out they weren't really a part of it. But I was somewhat embarrassed that they were watching me like that.

I wasn't feeling any pain, but I was very much aware that I was in the process of giving birth. I worried about dripping stuff on my parents' carpet. I looked at my feet, they were huge and swollen. I could barely stand up, so I figured I should squat.

It seemed weird that I wasn't in any pain. I wanted to be sure of what was going on, so I froze in that pose for a moment, steadied myself by putting my left hand on the worn-out armrest of the love seat, and ran the fingers of my right hand around the wide-stretched rim of my vagina. Nope, it didn't hurt, but yep, something was about to crown.

It was time to push. I felt a warm gush of liquid flow over my fingers. I looked at my hand, it was covered with blood mixed with a yellowish fluid. I held my breath, squatted, and squeezed.

It only took one push for the head to come out. It was not an infant, that I could tell. I also didn't feel like it was my offspring. I took absolutely no ownership of it. It could not have been mine - it wasn't even human.

The head was larger than a baby's would've been, but it slipped out easily, I was proud of myself for doing such a good job of it, even though it was so fucking creepy. The bones of the skull had been squished into a cone, and the head was covered in more bloody stuff, it kind of coated it, like burned on barbecue, but wetter.

The thing had a huge head but a little body. It had pointed ears, old man's eyes, and sharp jagged teeth. I held it up at an arm's length to see if it was attached to me, if I had to keep on pushing to expel the afterbirth. There wasn't any. It wasn't mine. There was no cord connecting us. But still it called me mama.

What Doesn't Matter

I learned there's an anatomical definition of meniscus. Perhaps I'd heard it before in reference to, or deference of, the patella. My left knee has been acting up today, my left shoulder blade more so. True, I'm a hypochondriac, but I'm also fat and angry, and that is why I'm having a heart attack. See how easy it is to die? To just sit here and allow the membranes to malfunction? Thinking of pigs: snorting, obese. Grotesquely human. Flesh to be pulled. Ribs,sternum. Pigs as angels hovering above fat, hungry humans snorting grotesquely. Pigs as angels relishing the irony of it all. Pigs as angels standing between the obese and Bayer aspirin. Pigs as angels smacking their lips in puddles of marinade.